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Stop Kidding Yourself, Valentine’s Day Candy Is Gross


It’s February, which means gaudy red hearts, cupid cutouts, and a hideous amount of awful candies are lining the aisles of each and every drugstore you enter. If we’re being honest, there are very few good Valentine’s Day candies worth talking about, which is why we’ve decided to give you a few pointers on what sweet treats to avoid, because — without sounding too dramatic — they’re terrible. In our humble opinion, here are three of the worst Valentine’s candies on the market that you should surely skip giving your sweetheart this year.

Conversation Hearts

Convo hearts

(Photo Credit: Amazon)

Surprise! Not. Does anyone actually enjoy chewing on these tasteless bits of heart-shaped, sugary chalk? Aside from being inedible, conversation hearts are corny. Take “E-Mail me,” for example. How lame is that? Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about sending cute messages to the person you love — not your co-worker.

Valentine’s Day Peeps


(Photo Credit: Amazon)

First of all, before we go any further, let’s get something straight: Peeps are not a Valentine’s Day candy. Peeps are for Easter. In fact, the entire premise of a Peep is Easter: Peeps are small, chick-shaped marshmallows covered in artificially-flavored grains of pastel pink, yellow, or blue sugar. Not only are Peeps pretty unappetizing (okay fine, they’re flavorless balls of goo) they’re also indestructible. You might think we’re being dramatic, but did you know that in 1999, scientists at Emory University tested the theory and found that Peeps can withstand being submerged in boiling water, acetone, and sulfuric acid. Do you really want something that even acetone can’t destroy inside your stomach?

Generic Boxes of Chocolate

Valentine's Day Chocolate

(Photo Credit: Amazon)

Disclaimer: Chocolate is amazing. Ghirardelli, Godiva, Lindt & Sprungli, heck, even Hershey’s — the list could go on and on. What isn’t acceptable, however, is throwing random-flavored chocolates into a heart-shaped box and calling it something special. Why? Because half the time, most of those chocolates have coconut or some other awful paste plastered inside of the (delicious on its own) chocolate shell, completely negating the pleasure one gets from a chocolate-eating experience. And let’s not forget that this stereotypical V-Day item makes for an utterly thoughtless gift. Buying someone a box of random chocolates doesn’t say “I love you” like you might think; it says “Hey, wasn’t sure what to get you, but I found this in the clearance aisle.”

The next time you receive a box of chocolates or a box of tame-titled conversation hearts, ask the giver a question: “Do you know me at all?” Unless, of course, you actually like those things. In that case, carry on.

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