7 Ways to Find Hope When Both Partners in a Relationship Are Depressed
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Ten years ago, married couple Marc and Angel Chernoff felt like they were drowning in tragic news: Theyâd just lost a best friend to a heart attack, a sibling to suicide, and their livelihood following a layoff. âWe didnât know how to sleep and cry at the same time,â Marc recalls of how their broken hearts hit rock-bottom. Numbed by depression, grief, and fear of becoming homeless, they were unsure of how to regain their footing. Angel shares, âYou canât see the silver lining. You canât see how youâre going to get out of that storm.â And yet, as impossible as it seemed, the duo successfully reinvented their lives. How? By creating small daily rituals that gradually allowed them to see hope and beauty in their lives. The key, as they explained it, was to âfocus a little less on managing your problems and a little more on managing your mindset.â
Now with their blog, Marc & Angel Hack Life, the couple is helping millions of people move past their setbacks. They donât deny that painful events happen, but instead say, âif we can learn to think better, we can ultimately live better.â They emphasize that thereâs healing on the other side. âItâs crazy to see all the beauty that came from those incredibly painful life changes that we would never in a million years wish on somebody else,â notes Marc. âLife is unpredictable, but that doesnât mean we are powerless or we donât have many, many options to create meaning and find joy.â Best of all, this type of healing is possible for anyone. Read on for Marc and Angelâs tips to regain perspective when youâre feeling beaten-down or stuck in a rut. The couple promises, âYou might look back on today as the day your whole life changed.â
1. Look for glimmers of goodness.
âThe happiest people live not with a certain set of circumstances but with a certain set of attitudes.â
âWhen we were in the lowest of lows, we had ultimately lost sight of the goodness that remained in our lives,â confesses the couple. Gratitude became the first step in their recovery. Depressed and lying on the floor one night, Marc recalls, âThe moon suddenly broke through the clouds and illuminated the dark room I was in. Within seconds, a light breeze started blowing the white window curtains over me. I smiled, for the first time in days. And without thinking twice, I whispered, âLife is still a miracle to be grateful for.ââ
From that moment, despite their struggles, the couple started to list their blessings: They had each other, their parents, and their health. âHave no doubt: A simple 10-minute ritual like a gratitude meditation can change your entire life,â says Marc, who does this daily. âGratitude is arguably the king of happiness,â the couple assures. âWe donât have to wait for positive moments to come to us once our sadness starts to finally, inevitably fade, but we can start cultivating positive moments in the bedrock of even our most painful experiences.â
2. Move onâeven if youâre not ready.
âChanging your situation is about taking action in the present.â
âDuring our shared bout of depression, our lives came to a halt,â recalls Marc. âWe definitely shut each other out. We were stuck. We sort of gave up.â One day, however, he realized, âLife is moving on. Look at the sun shining. The birds are out. Letâs take a walk and let the sun hit our skin as a reminder that, hey, weâre out of the house. We canât change the things that have happened. But we have some opportunity here to step forward.â The couple began to recognize the myth of perfect timing. âWe waste our energy waiting for the ideal path to appear, not realizing that paths are made by walking, not waiting,â says Marc. âSometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing youâre worthy of the trip,â says the couple.
3. Widen your view.
âDoubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.â
âWhen we started, we barely even knew what a blog was,â admits Angel. Marc wondered, âWho are we to be giving advice? Weâre still suffering.â But those fears presented a chance for growth. Marc says, âwe have tunnel vision when weâre feeling down. Our focus is so narrow.â So whenever a negative thought entered their minds, they learned to ask: âis what Iâm telling myself â that Iâm not good enough â true?â By reframing your thoughts, Angel explains, ânow youâre limitless. Youâre not stuck.â Marc adds, âif a thought is defeating you, say something thatâs completely opposite and let that feed your faith.â
4. Picture this to nix negativity.
âHappiness isnât out there, waiting to be found â itâs in you, waiting to be embraced.â
After Angelâs brother died, the couple was filled with uncertainty. âWhy did he do it? Why didnât we know he had lost hope? Those questions haunted us.â The realization that helped them keep moving forward was that âsometimes you have to give your wandering mind a little help by consciously selecting something positive to think about, no matter how small, to shift your attention to when negativity starts to stir.â Try picturing flowers, the ocean, or a cute kitten. Why it works: Research shows that the mind is hardwired to function best when thinking optimistically. In short: Positivity boosts intellectual abilities so you can better dig your way out of a rut.
5. Release past pain.
âBe a pioneer of the future, not a prisoner of the past.â
âGrowing up, I had this shame from being adopted,â says Angel. âI had always wanted to reach out to my biological mother. I had her phone number for over a year before I gave her a call.â What changed? Angel was finally ready to release the old hurt that wasnât serving her. âIt wasnât easy. I was a hostage to that pain because I was holding on so tight but never taking any action.â She adds, âbeing able to talk to her gave me closure and clarity. Now I see that everything Iâve been through has shaped me into who I am. Once you come out of the storm, you see yourself as you really are without the baggage thatâs been holding you back. And that makes all the difference, because it frees you to take the next step.â
6. See change as growth.
âUse pain to motivate you toward a bigger goal.â
Six years ago, Angel rolled her ankle and tore all the ligaments and tendons in her foot. âShe couldnât walk for 10 weeks,â Marc recalls. While it was easy to complain, Angel began to wonder, âwhy would I risk wasting this opportunity, this gift of being able to recover?â So she took that time to set a big goal â to eventually run a half marathon. She learned to âbe an arrowâ in moments of struggle. âAn arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward,â she says. âWhen life pulls you back with difficulties, it means itâs eventually going to launch you forward in a positive direction.â The couple adds, âWhen framed and leveraged the right way, our setbacks can motivate us.â
7. Be a thought watcher.
âWhen you let go, you think better, you live betterâ
Angel was blindsided by the blues after becoming a mom. âI was trying to do it all. The thought going through my mind was, I canât do this; Iâm not good enough. It was too much.â Slowly, she learned to become a thought-watcher. âJust because the world around you is chaotic doesnât mean the world within you has to be,â she says. By existing outside those thoughts, you can watch them drift by like clouds. âYou discover you are not the thoughts. You are merely an observer, one whoâs capable of letting go, changing your mind and rising above the turmoil.â
Read the full interview with Marc and Angel Chernoff in the latest issue of First for Women, on newsstands now!
This article orignally appeared in our print magazine.
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