Confession: I Hate Thanksgiving Food (Be Honest, So Do You)

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It's T-minus four days until Turkey Day, and I have a confession: I think Thanksgiving food is the worst. I have never been blown away by a Thanksgiving meal. In fact, the best "Thanksgiving meal" I've ever eaten was at an all-you-can-eat buffet at Disney World. C'mon, people — Disney World!

That's not to say that my mom and the rest of my family aren't great cooks (they are, I promise). But I think we should all be honest with ourselves: Traditional Thanksgiving food — and I mean Thanksgiving food cooked by anyone — is not good. (Unless we're talking strictly about stuffing, because stuffing is amazing.)

Can we all just agree that Thanksgiving is a collection of pretty mediocre food all consumed under the pretense of being "American"? Thanksgiving is a time for our country to shine — to show the rest of the world that if there's one thing we're good at, it's eating far past the point of being full. And then eating some more. But why are we gorging ourselves on dry turkey and soggy pumpkin pie?

Religion, Politics, and Cranberry Sauce: The 3 Things That Don't Belong at Thanksgiving Dinner

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Right from the get-go, cranberry sauce just sounds like a bad idea. If your sugar-to-fruit ratio is almost 1-to-1, you've got to be canceling out the health benefits of cranberries with the health risks of too much sugar. In fact, why even bother serving fruit at dinnertime? We all know dinner is just a layover to Dessert Town.

Still desperately clinging to the idea that you have to serve lumpy red sauce to the people you love? Just remember: As soon as you put the too-tart or too-sweet (it's always going to be one of the two because there is no perfect balance when it comes to this imposter of a side dish) mush in your mouth, you have to deal with the somehow gritty and slimy texture of cranberry skins — yuck! But even worse than homemade cranberry sauce is the monstrosity that comes from a can. Please, I'm begging you: Serve anything but cranberry sauce from a can. Anything that makes the sound "splort" when it is "prepared" does not belong on a dinner table. I mean, seriously, we all know it's inevitably going to slip off its plate and land in someone's lap or — more appropriately — on the floor anyway. You could serve Jell-O with bits of fruit cocktail in it and that would be a bigger hit at dinner. And Jell-O wiggles.

Hard, Cold Fact of Life: Pumpkin Spice Ruins Holidays

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Around this time of year, pumpkin spice has hit its peak, and I swear I will eat cranberry sauce in a can if one more formerly delicious food gets destroyed by this status-symbol of a flavor. Pumpkin spice candles were bearable, and pumpkin spice cocktails are drinkable because, well, cocktails. But pumpkin spice you can spray onto food is where I draw the line. What's next — pumpkin spice pickles? Actually, I'm just going to stop there, because I'm sure someone is working on that as we speak and I don't want to encourage them.

Sorry Not Sorry: Fruit Pies Are the Salad of Dessert

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Yes, Thanksgiving is about getting the family together and being grateful for each others' company, but it's also about eating food — lots of it. So why take up valuable gut real estate by forcing yourself to eat Brussels sprouts and sweet potatoes when you could be chowing down on yummier things like mashed potatoes, stuffing, and macaroni and cheese?

Following that same reasoning, why bother with fruit pies when we all know that chocolate is the true star? Fruit pies are great for the other 364 days of the year when we want to gobble up a bunch of sugar and still pretend we're being healthy, but you'll get a big No Thanks from me if you offer me a slice of apple pie on Turkey Day.

If you're thinking, "Well, this writer clearly hasn't had a slice of my world-famous (insert kind of pie)," you're right, I haven't. But until I have (I'm all for taste tests), you cannot convince me that a slice of peach pie, blueberry pie, or — heaven forbid — slimy pumpkin pie is tastier than a big ol' slab of French silk pie. That's what I'll be shoving in my pie hole this year, and you can bet I'll be thankful for it.

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