Going through a divorce is never easy, but it teaches you a lot about the qualities you need in a partner to truly make a relationship work. Strong and stable bonds rest on a delicate balance of factors—any one of which could sway us either way. Self-assurance is attractive, but not arrogance. Showing our vulnerability makes us open and human, but dependency is a turn-off.
In an attempt to cut through the confusion, Hal Runkel, one of America's leading authorities on relationships, shares his three caveats for attraction with Business Insider.
Here are the traits he believes makes us most magnetic to other people when it comes to forming relationships:
Vulnerability without neediness.
"We like people strong enough to reveal themselves, without needing us to validate them."
Humility without embarrassment.
"We like people who can laugh at themselves and yet still be comfortable in their own skin."
Confidence without cockiness.
"We like secure people who can pursue what they want without needing to prove anything."
Most of us can agree that Runkel's list seems pretty accurate. His findings join other traits that we commonly associate with a great partner, including a strong sense of friendship, reliability, and having shared values.
Whether your divorce is fresh or you've been separated from your ex-husband for years now, it's important to remember that there's no timeframe for healing, and that's okay. Speaking to the Huffington Post, divorce coach Kira Gould discovered firsthand that recovering from a divorce is not a linear process.
“There were times in the beginning of my divorce when I knew in my soul that I was done and over it—and there are days now, six years later, when I am surprised to think fondly of my ex,” she said. “When you have a past that was long and intricately entwined, those feelings don’t go away overnight.”
Still, there's hope that you can move on and find love again. The trick? Don't get caught up on any rules you've heard, and take charge of your own timeline of healing, suggested divorce coach Emma Heptonstall in an article for the Huffington Post.
“Recovering from divorce is ultimately about being willing to let go,” she said. “Letting go frees up emotional space and physical space and creates a path on which you can move forward. Being open to the possibility that you might be able to move on is the first sign that you already have.”
This post was written by Anna Brech. For more, check out our sister site Grazia.